The Steve Who Stole Macness

Every Dude down in Dude-ville liked Macness a lot,
But the Steve, who lived north of Dude-ville, did not.
The Steve hated Macness. The whole Mac gestalt.
Now, please don’t ask why. No one knows his core fault.

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
I could be, perhaps, his turtleneck was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all.
He thought the interface was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, fashion or tackiness,
He stood there on Copland Eve, hating the Macness.
Staring down from his jet with a sour, Stevey glower,
At the warm Platinum windows below on Pro towers.

For he knew every Dude down in Dude-ville beneath,
Was busy now, meeting their deadlines with ease.

“And they’re popping their folders!” he snarled with a sneer,
“They’ll be multitasking too. It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Stevey fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Copland from coming!”

For quite soon he knew that all the Mac dudes and hacks,
Would upgrade quite gladly. They’d all buy new Macs.
And then! Oh, my NeXT. My NeXT! NeXT! NeXT! NeXT!
My black baby cube. Wrecked! Wrecked! Wrecked! Wrecked!

Then the Dudes, young and old, would sit down to create.
And they’d create. And they’d create. Create! Create! Create!
They would feast on Mac software, now protected from crashes.
No way could he then grab all the credit and cashes.

And then they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Dude with a Mac, the Pros and y’all.
Would sit close together, it was deeply instructive.
They’d sit desk-to-desk. And they’d be quite productive.

They’d work! And they’d play! And they’d create, create, create.
And the more the Steve thought of his NeXT’s dire fate.
The more he had to do something insane, if not great.

“Why, for far too long I’ve put up with the Pros!”
“I MUST stop Copland from coming…but how so?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Steve got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Steve laughed in his jet.
And he made a quick offer to Apple for NeXT.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “Gil’s such a dick!”
“With a pen and a contract and my RDF trick!”

“All I need is control…” the Steve looked around.
But since CEOs were scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the Steve? No! The Steve simply said,
“If I can’t find a chief, I’ll make myself one instead!”

So he called a press conference, and told of his deed,
And hired his old cronies, the NeXT holdover geeks.
Then he lightened the load, tossed out all extra baggage,
Like interface gurus and those who knew Macness.

Then the Steve said, “NextStep” and the slide started down.
Toward the realm of the complex, the geeky and clowned.

While the Pros were asleep, all nestled in 9.
Attending their tasks, thinking all was just fine.
Steve came to the first little bit of his crime.

“This is job number one,” the old CEO hissed,
And he tore up the guidelines, and crumpled his fist.
And abandoned the methods, the use and the ease.
If Bill Gates could do it, then so could the Steve.

He struck out at once to make the Mac over.
“It just will not do if not a NextStep hold-over.”
The symbol of Apple, in multi-hued glow,
“This menu,” he grinned, “is the first thing to go”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the board room, and he fired half those present.
Windowshade, labels, control strip and Platinum,
App menu, Finder, even Newton was flattened.

Then he stuffed in his Aqua, ten pounds to a bag,
Stuffed the whole interface, till bloated and gagged.
Then he stuffed in his Unix, his “power” advantage,
He stuffed in some more lest the G4’s could manage.

He cleaned out the legacy as quick as a flash.
Why, the Steven even took their last can, the Mac Trash.
Then he stuffed it with Cocoa and Quartz the Extreme.
“And NOW!” grinned the Steve, “I’ll sue makers of themes!”

And the Steve aired the beta, and he smiled like a cynic,
Then he heard a small sound like the rant of a critic.
He turned around fast, and he saw a large post,
Little Long-Winded Dude, who said “This is a joke!”

The Steve had been caught by this picky Pro grinder
Who’d checked out the beta to see the new Finder.
He stared at the Steve and said, “St. Steven, why,
“Why are you letting the Macintosh die?”

But, you know, that old shyster was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sharp little dude,” the CEO lied,
“The Mac’s already dying. I’m trying to revive.”

“So I’m goofing it up for the DigiKid grubs.”
“To keep Mac alive as a digital hub.”
He whitewashed the truth and then played the bully.
And buried 9’s corpse in honor of Sculley.
And Long-Winded Dude went to bat on the net,
He wouldn’t be bamboozled by lies, not just yet.

The last thing Steve took was the Font in the Finder.
The others he blurred so that we would go blinder.
He left little at all from the Mac that was kinder.

And the one speck of Mac that he left in place,
Was a useless Apple logo, centered in disgrace.
Then he did the same thing to the hardware to rouse us,
He took away ports and gave us round mouses.

A quarter past dawn, on the OS X clock,
All the Dudes down in Dude-ville were switching or not.
It was packed up with glitter, with eye candy trappings,
With shadows and icons and blue bobble crappings.

Up, up went the bloat, down down they did dumb-it.
You needed a G5 to have any chance to run it.
“Pooh-pooh to the Dudes!” Steve was grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Copland is coming!”

“They’re just booting up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“They’ll buy a new Mac just to run all this goo.”
“They’ll upgrade and upgrade – and beta test too!”

“That’s a con,” grinned the Steve, “that I simply must bring.”
So he paused, and Steve himself, heard just one more thing.
And the sound started rising above his big show,
It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t registers ringing up sales.
He stared down at Dude-ville! Steve’s plans had all failed.
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking disclosure!
All the Dudes down in Dude-ville with classic System Folders.

Every Dude down in Dude-ville, the Pro and the small,
Were working without multitasking, crashes and all.
He hadn’t stopped the Mac, it endured just the same.
Somehow or other, the switchers never came.

And the Steve in his turtleneck started to blow.
He stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It comes without bobbles. I comes without click-its”
“It comes without Aqua, why, no one would lick it!”

And he ranted for hours, till his neck veins were standing.
“Maybe Macness,” he thought, “doesn’t come from just branding.”
“Maybe Macness…perhaps…means a little bit more.”
“Fuck it…I can make just as much from iStores.”

And what happened then? Well, in Dude-ville they cite,
That Steve’s interface grew three sizes out of spite.

Well, I just got my christmas present! Holy crap man, thank you, thank you. I'm still laughing. You know that scene in the classic Chuck Jones Grinch where the green one's smile goes way up past his eyes? That's me right now.

This is some friggin' CHAMPION silly.

My eyes are watering from laughter.

Hilarious, yet poignant.

Great going, Brad.

<< The last thing Steve took was the Font in the Finder.
The others he blurred so that we would go blinder. >>


A classic!!


Markle

Well, I just got my christmas present!

Quite literally, it is my “drum” gift. Merry Christmas to all (including The Steve).