quote:

It has everything to do with the fact that she is black.

You silly liberals think everything is about race........


Markle

If

If you can keep the faith when pissed-off Critics
Are cursing X -- and with good reason too;
If you can bend when crooks wip out their dicks
Whilst whistling Rapesody in Aqua Blue;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, suck up those lies,
Or being screwed, crap-settle Steve’s Plaything,
And don’t look too human, nor talk too wise:

If you love Steve--and know that Steve is Master,
If you can lick--and make Dame Aqua your aim;
If you can meet with File Management Disaster
And shrug it off and humbly take the blame;
If you can bear to see fonts by faulty AA sullied
And a GUI twisted to make a trap for fools,
Or watch Apple’s legacy crown jewels, buried,
And do not pine for good professional tools:

If you'd like to hop around drooling on all fours,
And splash Apple’s HIGs like one gigantic turd,
If you concede that graphics pros are dinosaurs,
And daily gorge yourself on blue-white GoGurt;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve Steve’s turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can mix with marketeers and feel their virtue,
Or talk with geeks and note down mumbo jumbo,
If neither bloat nor bèta-bugs can hurt you,
If you’d rather drink cat piss than Amontillado;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of twiddling thumb,
Yours is OS X and all the crap that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Chimp, my chum!

Kipling

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OMG, actual SILLY in the Silly thread? Woo Hoo!

You've outdone yourself brother yabor. By about this point I was literally WEEPING, couldn't breathe:

quote:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of twiddling thumb,

A sonnet

Shall I compare thee to the Legacy?
Thou art a scam and rotten to the core;
Quartz and Aqua do suck extremely:
Work, by consequence, now is a chore.

Often pretty dull thy Spotlight shines,
And always thy damn dock is in the way;
Thy AA’d fonts are worse than OS Nine’s--
Thy users are but marks and prey.

But the golden age Mac shall never fade
Nor lose possession of its HIGs and class;
Toolness, in the end, will do in digibait:
The maclash, brothers, will come to pass:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and lives the Legacy.

Shakespeare

Intel, Intel

INTEL, INTEL, King of Cool!
OS X will sing and rule!
Leopard, Apple’s newest gem,
Will not be sunk by IBM.

Why do I, with tongue and lips,
Want to french-kiss INTEL chips?
Now even Bill of Longhorn fame
Lusts for Leopard (marvelous name).

The 1000 bucks Transition Kit
Will surely be a mega hit;
Rosetta spells: festina lente [cough]:
Apps won’t run fast; but “fast enough”.

Click the checkbox! And again!
Boom! Ye have conversed dear X!
Macintel will just be great:
Why did Steve leave it so late?

After beating up their wives
IBM-crooks shipped G5s;
Their awful chips run far too hot,
And toasted Tiger on the spot.

INTEL, INTEL, running cool!
Can you blame me if I drool?
How big a fool must Bill G. be
To crap-settle for PPC?

Blake

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Aqua, Aqua

AQUA, Aqua, bubbling blue,
Painted harlot, hellish brew,
What deluded wimp or wuss
Could stand thy crystal sausages?

What dork or imp in evil rites
Could frame thy fearful traffic lights?
Who could want a watery house,
A machine one can out-mouse?

What black art, what sickly brain,
Could cause Nine’s HIGs to die in pain?
And, when thy beachballs spin and spin,
Is that not a shame and sin?

Who needs gumdrops? Blurry text?
What damn Quartz trick will come next?
What eye-candy? What dread stripe
Will be subject of Steve’s hype?

When Steve gave you a lick and kiss,
And water’d desktops with blue piss,
Did He smirk your bloat to see?
Did He who made the Mac make thee?

AQUA, Aqua, bubbling blue,
Painted harlot, hellish brew,
What deluded wimp or wuss
Could stomach crystal sausages?

Blake

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Thalo, thalo

THALO, thalo, burning bright,
Shooting tigers day and night,
What headstrong monk or superman
Could match thy faith and speedy pen?

In what stable (made by Ive?)
Did thy mother give thee life?
Did wayward Faithful weep for joy
And worship mother thalo’s boy?

What juicy fish or Macintosh mate
Could withstand thy rod and bait?
For starters in a court of law,
Would ye eat ten X-Men raw?

Who’s thy mistress? Cute Lois Lane?
In what furnace was thy brain?
Are ye Klingon? A Superwasp?
Dare ye Happy Horseshit clasp?

When Steve embraced dread Marketeers
And sleazy geeks with spinning gears,
Did you wince his scam to see?
Did King MacLash father thee?

Thalo, thalo, burning bright,
Shooting tigers day and night,
What superman or bookish ghost
Could read thy every forum post?

Blake

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X casts suicide shadow over Mac community

NeXT York (Reuters) - The rate of suicide in Macland is among the highest in the world as end-users battle the stress of years of Aqua, beachballs, dried-up workflows, mounting debt and a completely dysfunctional Finder.

"Every day I look at Aqua and I say to myself: 'I get so sick to death of this blue garbage'," wrote design pro John Kew in a recent book, Tough Times, in which nine fellow Mac users talk about their fight with depression and thoughts of suicide.

"I just want to see a Mac GUI with some speed and some sense again," said John, who has used Macintosh computers all his working life.

"The strain in this OS X era is just so constant and long; it's like a marketeer grabbing at me by the throat and slowly choking you a bit more each day."

A total of 1,041 Mac users committed suicide in 2005, the latest available statistics. The vast majority were design pros.

The World Health Organization (WHO) says Macland has one of the highest suicide rates in the world, far exceeding nations such as the United Gates and Linuxburg.

The more professional the Mac user, the more chance he will resort to suicide, according to the Cupertinoan Council for X-Critic Disposal.

NEW WAVE OF DEPRESSION

After barely surviving catastrophic 2001-04 “upgrades” -- the worst in living memory -- many Mac users hoped they'd never see such hardships again. Yet 2005, the Year of the Tiger, is shaping up as a continuance of those horror conditions, with workflows bone-dry and hideous bugs plaguing the exhausted land and people.

Some design pros have had no workflow to speak of for several years and many rely on begging to survive.

The hardest-hit pros (called ’thalonites’) have sent their wives and kids to slaughter because they can no longer afford to buy food or clean water. That leaves them without a sex life and the comfort of a family.

"It's no secret that many people are feeling the emotional strain of using OS X dot four. In the weeks since Tiger came out there has been another wave of suicide," said Mark El, president of the GoneSouth Mac Users' Association.

"OS X still sucks the big one," he said.

Miss Lizzy More has fought the despair of watching her beloved "Legacy Desktop" become a bug-ridden stinking garbage dump. To cheer herself up recently she found a 1998 photo album which showed a spatial, workflow-rich terrain, with a less-is-more Finder oozing internal logic and user-friendliness.

"There are days when you just despair." Miss More said from her studio near Platinumo, 9.92 miles north of NeXT York.

Deputy Prime Crapsettler Rico HardWare, a slug trainer in his spare time, warns that more and more Mac users are emigrating to Redmond.

"If we're not careful, in 1 or 2 years' time we will have a serious shortage of suckers," said HardWare. "There IS a limit to how much Mac users can be expected to put up with. We are now reaching that limit. We could have a vicious maclash on our hands as soon as 6 months from now."

"There are Mac owners everywhere saying, 'I don't want to sell my Mac, but if there's no future, I'll have to'."

But as John Kew has found, selling an OS X Mac is not that easy. "They are not selling, and in fact you can't even GIVE them away."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yabor,

Mac mini thrower Crowe: "OS X sucks the big one"

LOS SAUSAGES (Reuters) - A chagrined Russell Crowe apologised for throwing a Mac mini at an Apple Apologist this week, saying he reacted poorly to being a Macintosh fan away from home and his Legacy-booting Mac.

Crowe, who plays a boxer in his new movie "Less-is-More Man", was angered by a beachballing Mac mini at NeXT York’s Shitz Hotel in Chimphattan at 10.4 am on Turdsday, so he threw it and struck a passing Apple Apologist in the nuts.

The Old Zeabiscuit-born actor was frog-marched away and handcuffed to a traffic light, and later released on his own recognizance. If convicted of X-criticism, he could face up to ten years in a NeXT York mental institution.

Crowe, an Oscar winner for the 2001 film "Thalonator," told David Letterman he wants to apologise for his Mac mini-throwing tantrum to Mayor Jobs and to NDPTAL85, the Apologist hit in the balls by the flying mini.

“Hopefully at some stage, I’ll be able to apologise directly to NDPTAL, but at the moment, he’s still busy counting his balls, poor chimp--chap, I mean, poor chap,” Crowe said.

Poking fun at the actor as he welcomed Crowe onto his show, Letterman picked up an OS X Tiger DVD that was lying on his desk and shoved it up Crowe’s ass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Off the record, and exclusively for thalo.net, Crowe acknowledged what most thalo.net readers already know: that OS X sucks the big one.

“They have only OS X Macs in that hotel and all humans were thoroughly sick of them and going mental,” he told our reporter. “This is possibly the most scary situation I’ve ever gotten myself in in my life. To actually expect people --as opposed to chimps-- to work with OS X is spectacularly stupid.”

Using OS X resulted in “a level of abject despair that I’m not used to at all”, he said.

But, as his wife said, that’s not much of an excuse because millions of Mac-users manage to crap-settle, he said.

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Crowe's lawyer says: "What the fuck?"

LAS AQUAS (Reuters) - If actor Russell Crowe is found guilty of X-Criticism, then bail and appeal are out of the question.

In NeXT York, convicted X-Critics cannot appeal, and their requests for bail routinely vanish in a so-called “black hole”, as Mark El, Crowe’s family lawyer, found out today to his bewilderment.

“Apparently, my client would go straight from the court house to NeXT York’s award-winning Mental Institution for the Critically Insane to serve his sentence there,” says Mark El. “What the fuck?”

The Director of said Institution, Lord Thun “Vader” Darr, is going to make absolutely sure Crowe's kept safe and well and treated humanely.

“For however many years Crowe would be wearing one of our aqua blue clownsuits, he'll receive therapy (day and night) only from our most moderate and literate moderators," Darr says in a soothing breezy voice.

Crowe’s cell would be a stylish spot-lit black box with a very high ceiling, in the Institute’s brand-new Damocles wing.

“Each of our cells in that wing has a lovely striped mattress on a pleasantly undulating “dock”, as we like to call it, a see-through toilet (great fun! Splash!) and, hanging from the ceiling, a massive aluminot X weighing 10 tons,” Darr said. "Sweet dreams are made of this."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yabor,

quote:

he threw it and struck a passing Apple Apologist in the nuts.

Pretty small target.


.....

Tyson: "OS X is not adequate for pro use"

CRAPSEATLLE (Reuters) - “Platinum” Mike Tyson spent much of this week explaining how he hates X-Men and how OS X sucks the big one and is just ridiculous, a toy, a personal insult to him, a con and a stinking turd sprinkled with gumdrops.

“I’m a pro and OS X, this so-called Mac OS--ha ha, excuse me while I puke--is not adequate for pro use, period,” said the lean and mean fighting machine from Finder, New Macsico. “It sucks. And don’t even get me started on apologists and crap-settlers,” he said. “I hate them, I want to kill them.”

Yesterday he said he would gut his next opponent, amiable X-Man Thun “Egghead” McDarr, like a fish, described him as an omelet-waiting-to-happen and said that there was a chance he'd downscale the guy.

As the egg-headed McDarr walked into the final press conference at the Thalonet campus yesterday ahead of Sunday's heavyweight extravaganza, Tyson bellowed out "Anyone for scrambled eggs?"

McDarr, an amiable amateur boxer from Dashboard, Indiaqua, who now makes his home in Turdsplash, Massawidgetts, could only smile ruefully as Tyson glared at him like a mad dog sitting behind a platinum wire fence.

"Man, this is going to be a pit bull against a big fat soft kitten," Tyson continued.

McDarr's manager, Rico X, then climbed to the podium and announced to the assembled media from around the world that pros like Tyson were has-beens and that Thun McDarr, bigger, younger and prettier, would make damn sure the fighting geriatric would be carried out of the ring in a coffin. Tyson's gray hair stood up at the effrontery.

"Sit down or you're gonna get the Egghead killed," Tyson snapped.

"I'm gonna gut this crap-settler like a fish. He's an egghead. This is gonna be a first-class demonsration on how to make Scambled Eggs Extraordinaire. I just wish I were allowed to take salt, pepper and a spoon into the ring."

McDarr, a head taller than Tyson, but at least thrice as fat, didn't sound too confident when he said: "When I hit Platinum Mike on the chin it will be like a gumdrop hitting him on the chin."

The lean and mean Tyson is of course a heavy favourite.

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Knight attacks X-Man in Apple store

SAINT BLUEPISS (Reuters) - A middle-aged X-Man has been treated in hospital after being kicked in the ass by a knight as he reached for a bunch of bananas at an Apple store.

Marketeer Peter Schiller, from Conjob, Betaware, collapsed in pain after being kicked by the bizarre creature at his local Apple store.

He was taken to hospital, where he was monitored for 10 hours and 41 minutes.

Apple have apologised for any distress caused and said it was investigating Turdsday's incident.

Mr Schiller, who suffers from widgetmania, said he suddenly felt a sharp pain in the ass as he bent over to pick up a bunch of bananas.

"I felt a sharp pain in my ass. It was a geezer dressed up as a fucking KNIGHT who had come up from behind and KICKED me," he said.

At the time he admitted he was worried he might die because he feared the knight, who was armed with a huge sword, would finish him off.

Members of staff managed to capture the knight alive and he was taken to Aquatraz prison to be identified.

He was identified as Sir Hugh Hopes but escaped before further tests could be carried out.

Sir Hugh, from the giant x-critic family or Thalonidae, is indeed a pain in the ass, said head of vertebrates at Cupertino Zoo, Ric O’Ten.

"It is not uncommon for Thalonidae to prey on marketeers. They are known commonly as ‘sound desktop knights’," he added.

In a statement, Apple said they take "all possible precautions to prevent events such as this from happening".

"We sell millions of bananas every week and it is an extremely rare occurrence. The customer has not been permanently harmed , and we have high hopes he will be fine. We arranged for his bananas to be dropped at home after the incident, and are extremely sorry that this may have caused him distress."

Steven P. Jobs: "We shall overcome"

ÜBERTINO (Reuters) - Apple Computer is going to employ an unusual new weapon in their ongoing war against their user base.

The new precision weapon specifically targets X-Critics. It is a device that emits penetrating bursts of sound bytes taken from Apple CEO Steven P. Jobs’s keynote speaches--lies so outrageous, that Critics reel with dizziness and nausea. But experts warn that the effects of prolonged exposure are pretty ugly.

Apple Security forces could employ the weapon to overcome resistance during the upcoming implementation of Apple’s Über Aqua Plus GUI.

Apple tested the device, which it dubbed "iSteve," at a recent annoying demonstration by X-Critics against OS X's Finder, which these Critics described as “after all these years, still a ********, ****** piece of ****.”

After iSteve began emitting We want to create the best computers for our costumers at intervals of about 10 seconds, the demonstrators covered their ears and gnawed their teeth, overcome by dizziness and nausea. A Castrated Press photographer at the scene said that even after he covered his ears, he continued to hear the outrageous lie ringing in his head.

An Apple official admitted that exposure for several minutes at close range could cause kidneys and testicles to shoot out off a Critic’s ass. “But iSteve’s lies are too intolerable for Critics to remain in the area for that long,” he said reassuringly.

Another official said Apple is constantly trying to bring new non-lethal weapons into the field of userbase control, but wouldn't disclose details. Its current arsenal includes tear gas (reasonably effective against Mac pros in their weaker moments) and iPods, as well as devices such as Dashboard, designed to cause eye candy addiction.

Intel officers say Apple, with all its technological savvy, should have done more in the years since the first X-Critic uprising began at MFI in 2001 to develop non-lethal weapons for use against hostile end-users.

"That’s easy for those chip-makers to say, but the number of things that are genuinely effective against end-users without actually killing them--which would be counter-productive, if you stop to think about it-- well, it's a pretty short list," says Steven P. Jobs.

“Weapons like cheetos dust wouldn't put off a determined crowd. Reality Distortion Fields might keep chimps from waking up to our con, but if I'm talking about controlling an angry mob of vile Critics and maniacs in NeXT York’s Tiger Square itself, it just doesn't enter into play," Jobs said. “But we shall overcome.”

OS X

Gumdrop’d Aqua, come;
Flow thou smoothly round Ten’s sturdy
Unix kernel, either other
Sweetly gracing.

Metal windows flow,
Divinely docked by Quartz;
Heaven is iTunes, and Ten’s genie
Sucks like a champ.

Our dull rants on thalo.net
Invectives need for helps to spice them;
Only X-Men softly-spoken
Have Steven’s ear;

AA still does delight,
As do beachballs endlessly spinning,
Ever perfect, ever in them-
selves eternal.

Thomas Campion

Can't buy me Mac

O Mac pro mine, why are you mad, man?
Stevie loves you! So does X;
Come and play with slow-mo junk.
The classic HIGs rot in a coffin,
NeXT-Men snigger, beachballs spin--
Ye don’t want Windows, do you, punk?

What is Leopard? A dolled-up nitwit?
A steaming pile of Happy Horseshit?
It’s big and stupid, that’s for sure;
Apple says: “Screw Eve and Adam--
Ye are chimps, so carpe Crapquam.”
Mac’s a stuff did not endure.

Shakespeare

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Cupertinoesque

Down Puma Avenue,
Where X-men lick beachballs
And watery mists
Condense upon turds
Above cat puke and mouldy apples,
A funeral passes.

The hearse is ahead,
But after there follows
A band of tall brothers
In grey shiny armour,
Lean sidearms brandished
In mean tattooed fists.

There is an air of great defiance,
As if they were honouring
One they were fond of;
Some wolf-whistle at chimps,
Geeks get the finger,
(Shouts of “Make Mine Mac!”),

And of great sadness also.
As they bait and shout
A voice is heard singing
Of Lizzy, or Legacy,
As if the word meant once
All love, all beauty.

Philip Larkin

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TAKE, O take those chips away
That burn so hotly in my Mac;
Give me Intel any day--
Screw Big Blue and Altivec.
Intel Inside will give Mac legs,
Will give Mac legs;
A perfect match, like ham and eggs,
Like ham and eggs.

Shakespeare

If only the Mac could be OS X free

If only the Mac could be OS X free,
Then I wouldn’t have to earn my bread in misery.

If there was no OS X, I wouldn’t be humiliated like this.
I wouldn’t crap-settle all the time; I wouldn’t drink piss.

I have no way of trimming OS X’s fat.
I’m stuck with Quartz and Aqua; it makes me mad.

Why can't Steve see what he does to me?
All the world can see, so why can't he?

Steve obviously does not care about the Mac.
I can’t take much more of this; soon I'm going to crack.

I see blur, beachballs, stripes, and even a traffic light.
I can only sit there and take it, let X kill me inside.

I can't stand the slowness and mayhem anymore.
Can I just have Platinum; is that too much to ask for?

I dread when every bloated upgrade comes around.
I just wish X could be lost and never found.

Why must it be like this; why don’t I have a proper OS?
The Mac was loved for its interface. Why now this mess?

It hurts me that I have to deal with gibberish and permission.
It's a bloody scandal. I, the user, am always in submission.

I can't wait till the day Jobs and his NeXT-Men will leave.
That day will give me so much relief, you can't believe.

JJ Smith

iLife

A chimp was building a castle of sand;
On a dock nearby a pro lay moaning;
I was too far out in treacherous waters
And not waving but drowning.

Brothers, I always loved the Mac
And now I’m fucked;
Goodnight world, over and out--
Boy, that last cat sucked.

I reckon X will be a drag always
(The chimp thought I was clowning);
I was too far out in stuff called Aqua
And not waving but drowning.

Stevie Smith

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