Thaleo and J'Liet
by William Shakespeare

PROLOGUE

Two households, gray Platinum and blue X,
In fair Cupertino, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break anew the pax:
Bloat and Blur confront Lean and Mean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers enter life;
They have to flee Earth because OS X blows.
Will their story bury their parents' strife?


ACT I
Cupertino. Central Park.
Enter Brad 9 and Mark El, of the house of Platinum, armed with colts.

MARK EL
Brother Brad, draw thy tool! here come
two of the house of X.

BRAD 9
My naked tool is out: quarrel, I will back thee.

MARK EL
Jesus H. Christ, brother! Put that thing away.
I meant thy colt, man; thy colt! Jesus!

BRAD 9
Gotcha. Sorry about that. My mind
must have been wandering.

MARK EL
No harm done. Right, Brother Brad, now
Light a fart at these cat huggers.

BRAD 9
Will do; hang on.

Enter Rico X and Johnny Q, armed with MP-3 submachine guns
in dysfunctional holsters

MARK EL
You X-fellows fancy cats, do you?
Call me old-fashioned, but I
find that disgusting. Yak.

BRAD 9
Here goes. lights fart

RICO X
Do you light a fart at us, sir?

BRAD 9
I do indeed light a fart, sir.

RICO X
Do you light a BLUE fart at us, sir?

BRAD 9
[Aside to Mark El] Is the law on our side?

MARK EL
Who cares.

BRAD 9
I light an AQUA-blue fart, sir. At you, sir.
Settled any good crap lately, sir?

JOHNNY Q
Go fuck a duck, sir.

RICO X
Or a horse.

MARK EL
Do you quarrel, sirs?

JOHNNY Q
Quarrel sir? You bet, sir.

MARK EL and BRAD 9
OK! Draw, if you be men.

Enter Mithradites

MITHRADITES

Part, fools! draws his aluminot sword
Holster your firearms; you know not what you do.

Beats down their weapons

Enter Maximo

MAXIMO
Turn thee, Mithradites, and look upon thy death.

MITHRADITES
I do but keep the peace: put up thy platinum sword,
Or manage it to part these men with me; we are
both Moderators in this town, after all.

MAXIMO
What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word,
As I hate OS X, all cat huggers, and thee:
Have at thee, crap-settler!

They fight

Enter several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Platinum and Lady Platina

PLATINUM
What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!

LADY PLATINA
A flame-thrower, a flame-thrower! Why call you for a sword?

Enter Prince Steve, with Marketeers

PRINCE STEVE
Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,
Will they not hear? What, ho! you beasts,
Throw your mistemper'd weapons to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved prince.
If ever you disturb our streets again,
Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
For this time, all of you depart away:
Especially YOU, old Platinum; bugger off.
Once more, on pain of death, all men depart.

Exeunt all but Lady Platina, and Mithradites

LADY PLATINA
O, where is young Thaleo? Saw you him to-day?
Right sorry I am he was not at this fray.

MITHRADITES
Madam, an hour before the worshipp'd sun
Peer'd forth the golden window of the east,
X-related worries drave me to walk abroad;
And so early walking did I see your son;
He was howling like a wolf at the moon.

LADY PLATINA
My son howling at the bloody moon?
Egghead, do you know the cause of his distress?

MITHRADITES
I can guess, lady. Could it be he’s in love?

LADY PLATINA
God, I hope not; now is NOT a good time:
There’s a war on; a war on crap; a war for
the very soul of the Macintosh, no less.

Enter Thaleo

MITHRADITES
Leave us; I will try and find out.

Exit Lady Platina

MITHRADITES
Good-morrow, masturbator.
What sadness lengthens Thaleo's hours?

THALEO
Not having that, which, having, makes them short.

MITHRADITES
Sex and drugs and rock and roll?

THALEO
Pfffft. Love! Love!
I love but am not loved in return.

MITHRADITES
That is tough. But hey, it happens. Been there.
Tell me in sadness, who it is that you love.

THALEO
In sadness, egghead, I do love a woman...

MITHRADITES
Atsoo! (sneezes) Excuse me.

THALEO
Gesundheit. -a woman called Sydney Moon;
And she's fair, this woman I love.

MITHRADITES
A right fair mark, Thaleo, is soonest hit.

THALEO
Well, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hit
With Cupid's arrow. God knows I tried.

MITHRADITES
Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste?

THALEO
Exactly. Can you believe it?
It makes me crazy I tells ya.

MITHRADITES
Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.

THALEO
O, teach me how I should forget to think.

MITHRADITES
By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
Examine other beauties; go out, paint the town
blue; get a lap dance, whatever; live a little,
before you die forever.

THALEO
I will give your advice a try, noble egghead.

MITHRADITES
Splendid.
Tonight, Lord Leopard throws a party; and there
Sups the fair Miss Moon whom thou so lovest,
With all the admired beauties of Cupertino:
Go thither; and, with unattainted eye,
Compare her face with one that I shall show,
And I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

THALEO
One fairer than my love! Impossible.

Exeunt

end of act one

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yabor,

ACT TWO.

SCENE ONE
Lord Leopard’s dinner party
Enter the Leopards and many distinguished guests.

RICO X
My lord, what say you to my suit?

LEOPARD
I simply love it. I love that shade of blue, those brightly colored bu...

RICO X
Sorry sir, I meant my suit for your daughter’s hand.
Your daughter Aquanette. As in her hand
in marriage. Sir.

LEOPARD
Ha ha, I know. I was only pulling your tail, my dear fellow.

RICO X
Very droll, sir, I’m sure; so what say you?

LEOPARD
My dear Rico, my child is yet a stranger in the world;
I do not think her ripe to be a bride; I mean,
She’s only 10.5 years old, for Christ sakes.

RICO X
Is she really? Well, she sure doesn’t LOOK 10.5 years old;
Aquanette’s body is fully (and perfectly) form’d; if you
don’t mind my saying so, sir.

LEOPARD
What father would mind? Now, let’s eat.

guests seat themselves and eat

DAME LEOPARD
These gumdrops are delicious.

LEOPARD
Honey, I’ve been meaning to ask you: whence
our daughter Aquanette’s beauty? Certainly not
from me; I mean, look at me.

DAME LEOPARD
You can say that again.

LEOPARD
And not from you either; I mean,
Look at you. (hands over a mirror)

DAME LEOPARD
I’d rather not dear, thanks. But point taken.
What can I say? Nature has been gracious
to our offspring. It happens.

LEOPARD
Remind me dear, who’s that man over there?

DAME LEOPARD
What man?

LEOPARD
The one whose face bears such a striking, striking
resemblance to Aquanette’s face; THAT man.

DAME LEOPARD
O that man?
That is sir Jonathan Ive, if memory serves.
My, those bananas look good. takes banana and peels it

LEOPARD
If I didn’t know any better...

DAME LEOPARD
Great bananas! Have one dear. Really. Strange,
suddenly I feel very, very tired. yawns

LEOPARD
...then I would almost be inclined to think...

DAME LEOPARD
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... (snores)

RICO X
Sir, these bananas could be poisoned! X-Critics
could have put poison in our bananas!
I wouldn’t put it past them. O my God!

LEOPARD
Somehow I doubt it fellow, somehow I doubt it.

SCENE TWO.
The same. Lord Leopard’s dining room

LEOPARD
Where's my daughter? Is she
meditating again? Aquanette! Aquanette!

Enter Aquanette

AQUANETTE
Good evening father.

LEOPARD
Good evening, child. Go mingle with our guests.

AQUANETTE
Good evening, iMam.

DAME LEOPARD
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

AQUANETTE
Good evening aunt Crapqua.

AUNT CRAPQUA
You look skinny child; you should eat more.
Here, have a Pepsi, a GoGurt, and a
fistful of gumdrops.

RICO X
Tell me, gorgeous Aquanette,
How stands your disposition to be married?

AQUANETTE
It is an honour that I dream not of.

RICO X
Well, think of marriage now!!!
The valiant Rico X seeks you for his love.
What’s it gonna be, girl? Yes or yes?
Christ, I swear I never saw
such tasty boobs as yours.

AQUANETTE
I will let you know my decision in, oh,
Nine years or so. Nice suit.

RICO X
Stuck-up bitch!

Enter Thaleo and Mithradites

THALEO
Under love's heavy burden do I sink.
There sits Miss Moon. Ain’t she sweet!
But wait-- spots Aquanette
Who. Is. That?

MITHRADITES
That, Thaleo, is the girl I was speaking about.
Not bad, eh?

THALEO
Now do I know what love is!
Did my heart love till now? In a word: nyet.
I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Do you know this girl’s name?

MITHRADITES
Her name is Aquanette.

THALEO
Look at those ears.

MITHRADITES
I know, I know. Great ears. As
cute as they come.

THALEO
That man over there must be her father.
Same features; same straight black hair;
and, above all, same pointed ears.

MITHRADITES
No, you are mistaken. That man is Sir Jon Ive,
the Vulcan embassador;
Aquanette is Lord Leopard’s daughter;
At least...I’ll be damned. Could it be...?

THALEO
She--Leopard’s daughter? No way, brother.
No way. Just look at her.

MITHRADITES
Come to think of it, Aquanette WAS born
(and raised) on Vulcan, 10.5 Vulcan years ago;
She even has a Vulcan name...J’Liet.

THALEO
J'Liet. Nice name. 10.5 Vulcan years, that would be...

MITHRADITES
About 18 Earth years.

THALEO
Right. Dear friend, I’m mighty glad you brought me here.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yabor,

SCENE THREE.
The same. Lord Leopard’s dining room

THALEO
Whence that awful smell, all
of a sudden?

AUNT CRAPQUA
Mister Thaleo, a word if you please.

THALEO
Well, well, it’s the Lady of the Flies;
Speak, Madam.

AUNT CRAPQUA
Please be so kind as to
leave this house immediately.
We don’t want your sort here; so hop it,
and take that egghead with you.

AQUANETTE
Aunt Crapqua, where are your manners?
I’ll have you know that this egghead,
as you are pleased to call him, is an
honest to God X-Man.
Good evening, Mithradites.

AUNT CRAPQUA
Silence, child! I forbid you to speak.

MITHRADITES
Good evening, Aquanette.

AQUANETTE
Please call me by my Vulcan name; I prefer it.

MITHRADITES
J’Liet, may I introduce my friend Thaleo?

AUNT CRAPQUA
This Thaleo is the only son of our great enemy!

J’LIET
How do you do, Thaleo.

THALEO
J’Liet, I love you. I loved you from
the moment I set eyes on you; this is
the real deal.

AUNT CRAPQUA
This is outrageous! Scandalous! I can’t believe
I’m hearing this. Guards! Guards!

THALEO
Peace, woman.

J’LIET
I love you too, Thaleo.
Love at first sight.

THALEO
Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?

Enter guards armed with aluminot baseball bats

J’LIET
Leave in peace Thaleo, I pray you;
We will meet again. Live long
and prosper.

THALEO
As you wish, my love.
Come, Mithradites, let’s away.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE. Lord Leopard’s study.
Enter Leopard and embassador Jon Ive

LEOPARD
Mr Embassador, help me if you can, I’m feeling
down; and I do appreciate you coming
round; help me get my feet back on
the ground; won’t you please, please
help me?

JON IVE
I am the Walrus.

LEOPARD
Excuse me?

JON IVE
Nothing, nothing. Let it be. Tell me your problem; I’m all
ears.

LEOPARD
Mr Ambassador, it’s been a hard
day’s night, so I’ll come straight to the
point. You screwed my wife.

JON IVE
Just the once; about eighteen of your years ago.
At the time I was in the grip of the Pon farr,
you know; couldn’t help myself.

LEOPARD
I know all about the Pon farr; no need to
explain. Basically, during the Pon farr you guys
screw anything on legs, eight days a week.
Am I right?

JON IVE
No. During the Pon farr we Vulcans choose
ONE mate, on TWO legs. Unlike humans; I’ve heard stories...

LEOPARD
Hey Dude, that’s not the issue here. Please
please me and stick to the point. Which is this: will my,
I mean YOUR, daughter Aquanette-- well, I’d better
call her J’Liet from now on--will J’Liet--half human, half
Vulcan-- will she experience the Pon farr?

JON IVE
She already IS experiencing it.

LEOPARD
Lady Madonna! Since when?

JON IVE
Yesterday. Your dinner party. That’s when it started.

LEOPARD
I feared as much. I’m so tired.
Mr Embassador, I know enough. Thank you for your frankness.
I hope this conversation hasn’t been distressing to you.

JON IVE
Not at all. I feel fine.

Exeunt

Ahhh, the heart-wrenching saga of the Crapulets and the Morelessques. Sired by Vulcans? Holy crap, I can't stop laughing. Crap long and prosper. May the Source be with you.

I didn't know there were so many reference to Beatles tunes in the original. It is a revelation for me to find Shakespeare played and loved the Beatles while writing his famous plays. Reading thalo.net is the equivalent of decades of education in the fine arts. I'll certainly bring up the fact the Bard was so down and funky with 1960's rock n' roll at my next dinner party. You know, just to show off my high culture. I think this fact will really impress them.

SCENE TWO. Lord Leopard’s banana plantation.

Enter Beatles

BEATLES
My girl’s good to me, you know,
She told me X is crap, you know,
She said so.
I'm in love with her and I feel fine.
J’Liet says she's mine, you know,
She tells me she digs 9, you know,
She said so.
I'm in love with her and I feel fine.
I'm so glad that J’Liet is my girl,
She's so glad, she's telling all the world
That her lover’s name is Thaleo,
That less sometimes is more, you know,
She said so.
She's my Vulcan love and I feel fine.
Mmmmmm.

Exeunt

Enter Thaleo
J’Liet appears at a window

THALEO
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and J'Liet is the sun.

J’LIET
Ay me!

THALEO
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
J’Liet, I’m down here! waves

J’LIET
Thaleo! Thaleo, you do realize, don’t you, that
my family would kill you if they found you here?

THALEO
They could TRY.

J’LIET
O Thaleo, Thaleo! wherefore art thou Thaleo?
'Tis but your name that is my enemy; but
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
Conversely, OS X, though called Mac, is crap.
So, my sweet Thaleo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

THALEO
J’Liet, dost thou love me? Wilst thou marry me?

Beam down Captain Kirk

CAPTAIN KIRK
Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, what’s going on?
This sure as hell isn’t Loren Two. Beam me
up again, now. [Aside] Very sorry to intrude
like this, fellow. Please accept my heartfelt
apologies. --Scotty! Now?

Beam up

J’LIET
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep. Yes, I will marry you.

THALEO
Oh, J’Liet, my love! This day is the happiest...

Enter Beatles

BEATLES
She loves thee, yeah yeah yeah
She loves thee, yeah yeah yeah
And with a love like that
Thou know’st thou should be glad.

Exeunt

THALEO
...day of my life. Let’s marry tomorrow at
Nine o’clock in the morning. Good night, a
thousand times good night!

J’LIET
All my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the universe.
A thousand times good night!

THALEO
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Beam down Leonard McCoy

LEONARD McCOY
Jim! Jim! What the hell?
--Excuse me, fellow, have you
seen a man in a yellow...

THALEO
He beamed up not a minute ago.

LEONARD McCOY
Right. McCoy to Enterprise. Scotty,
you bungler, beam me up.

Beam up

THALEO
Shall I compare thee to a Cinema Display?

J’LIET
Another time perhaps, dear Thaleo. Can I take
a rain check on that sweet offer? Right now I feel
the urgent need to meditate.
Good night! Good night! I love thee!

Exit above

THALEO
The bloody Federation won’t have heard the last of this!
But, no harm done. O happy day! All’s well that
Ends well.

Exit

quote:

Shall I compare thee to a Cinema Display?

Oh my god, I laughed up a testicle there.

Shall I compare thee to a Cinema Display?
Thou art hotter and more expansive
Rough TFTs do shake the darling pixels of May,
And summer's heat hath all too long a day;
Sometime too bright the eye of backlight shines,
And often is his whitepoint complexion dimm'd;
And every stare from stare sometime refines,
By chance or crap-settler's changing course denie'd;
May thy eternal Image not fade,
Nor lose color for professional or digikid low'st
Nor shall Death drag and drop thou in his shade,
When in thermal fautlines o'er time in thou growest;
So long as X-Men can bleat, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thirty.

SCENE THREE. Tiger Square.

Enter Bill Clinton and Rico X

BILL CLINTON
Have a cigar.

RICO X
Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

BILL CLINTON
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar
Is a smoke.

Exeunt

Enter Maximo and High H.

HIGH H
Well, that was a good wedding. Free booze, free
food: More is More, what say you? Can’t wait
for Thaleo’s funeral.

MAXIMO
May the happy couple live long, and prosper.

HIGH H
Amen, brother.
I pray thee, good Maximo, let's seek out X-men,
and pick a quarrel. Now, these hot days,
is the mad blood stirring.

MAXIMO
I think that’s a splendid idea.

HIGH H
By my head, here come crap-settlers.

Enter Jaguar, Mithradites, and other crap-settlers

JAGUAR
Gentlemen, good den: a word with one of you.

HIGH H
Make it a word and a blow.

JAGUAR
You shall find me apt enough to that, sir, an you
will give me occasion.
Maximo, thou consort'st with Thaleo,--

MAXIMO
Consort! what, dost thou make us minstrels?
'Zounds, consort!

HIGH H
Thou art so full of it, Jaguar.

Enter Thaleo

THALEO
Brothers, Mrs Thaleo sends you her love!

JAGUAR
Thaleo, thou art a villain.

THALEO
Jaggy, I see thou know'st me not.

MAXIMO
O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! Thaleo, Thaleo,
J’Liet’s beauty hath made thee effeminate.
This won’t do at all.

Draws platinum battle-axe

Jaguar, draw thy tool!

JAGUAR
I am for you.

Draws crystal sausage.
They fight.

MITHRADITES
Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage!
Prince Steve expressly hath
Forbidden bandying in Cupertino streets.

Jaguar clubs Maximo to a bloody pulp, and flies with the other crap-settlers

MAXIMO
I am hurt. I am sped.
Is he gone, and hath nothing?

HIGH H
What, art thou hurt?

MAXIMO spewing out teeth
What do you think?

THALEO
Courage, brother; the hurt cannot be much.

MAXIMO holding up his liver and a kidney
'Tis enough,'twill serve: in a minute or so
you shall find me taking a dirt nap. I am
peppered, I warrant, for this world.
Jaguar has made worms' meat of me.

THALEO
Thou shallt be revenged, brother. Um, any
Famous Last Words?

MAXIMO
Less... is...

Dies.

THALEO
Damn!

HIGH H
O Thaleo, Thaleo, brave Maximo is dead!
That gallant spirit hath aspired the clouds,
Which too untimely here did scorn the earth.

THALEO
This day's black fate on more days doth depend;
This but begins the woe, others must end.

HIGH H
Here comes the furious Jaguar back again.

THALEO
Alive, in triumph! and Maximo slain!
Fire-eyed fury be my conduct now!

Re-enter Jaguar

Now, stinking Jaguar, Maximo's soul
Is but a little way above our heads,
Staying for thine to keep him company.

JAGUAR
Ha! Thou, miserable pro, shalt with him hence.

Brandishes blood-bespatter’d crystal sausage

THALEO
I don’t think so, brother.

Draws K9 Kahr handgun and shoots Jaguar cleanly through the head

THALEO
I absolutely love the K9.
The action is smooth, and they are
Unbelievably accurate for their size. I was never into
The whole plastic thing. I like a bit of massiveness of a full
Steel or alloy frame. People complain about the weight,
But I think when it comes to guns, light feels cheap.
I can shoot them at the range all day without getting
Tired. What's more, they FEEL good in the hand,
The controls are simple and intuitive, they’re
Unbelievably easy to operate. Double action only,
No safeties to fiddle with. Point and click.
Like a one button mouse that can
Kill crap-settlers.

HIGH H
Good work, Thaleo. Jaguar is slain.
Now let’s away. Some people might
call this murder.

Exeunt

Enter Leopard and prince Steve

LEOPARD
Oh, Jaggy! Oh, Jaggy!
I beg for justice, which thou, prince, must give;
Thaleo slew Jaguar, Thaleo must not live.

PRINCE STEVE
He slew him, true, but stripy Jaguar, let us
not kid ourselves, had it coming. For that offence
immediately we do exile Thaleo hence.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR
SCENE I. Lord Leopard's banana orchard.

Enter J'Liet

J'LIET
Come, gentle night, come, black-brow'd night,
Give me my Thaleo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

Enter Yabor

YABOR
Ah, well-a-day! he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
Alack the day! he's gone, he's kill'd, he's dead!

J'LIET
Can heaven be so envious?

Enter commercial break

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Can't get enough of the smooth, creamy texture
And wide variety of great, fun flavors like Banana
Splash and Extreme Aqua Candy.
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Of real yogurt and
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Exit

YABOR
Who ever would have thought it? Dead!

J'LIET
What happened? Hath my loving husband,
an hour but married, slain himself? I would
call that a bit thick.

YABOR
I saw the wound, I saw it with mine eyes,--
I swounded at the sight.
O Jaguar, Jaguar, the best friend I had!
O sweet, o GoGurt-loving Jaguar! kiddy-friendly cat!
That ever I should live to see thee dead!

J'LIET
Ah! Now let me get this straight.
My cousin Jaguar is dead, you say,
and my husband lives?

Enter commercial break

COMMERCIAL BREAK
New! GoGurt Smoothie--the yogurt X-Men love,
Now in a bottle. GoGurt Smoothie is perfect for X-Men
Who don't want to stop crap-settling when
It's time for a well-deserved snack.
GoGurt Smoothie is an excellent source of crapcium
And comes in ten great flavors.
GoGurt Smoothie - it goes where X-Men go.

Exit

YABOR
Jaguar is gone, and Thaleo banished;
Thaleo that kill'd him, he is banished.

J'LIET
O God! did Thaleo's hand shed cousin Jaguar's blood?

YABOR
It did, it did; alas the day, it did!
There's no trust, no faith, no honesty
in X-Critics; all perjured, all forsworn, all naught, all dissemblers.
Ah, thank God for GoGurt: give me a GoGurt Smoothie:
Lest these griefs, these woes, these sorrows make me old.
Shame come to thee, Thaleo!

Enter commercial break

COMMERCIAL BREAK
GoGurt, the only leading yogurt with vitamin X
in every bottle or tube! Available in Ten Pack.

Exit

J'LIET
Blister'd be thy tongue
For such a wish! he was not born to shame:
Upon his brow shame is ashamed to sit;
O, what a beast you are to chide at him!

YABOR
Will you speak well of him that kill'd your
gentle GoGurt-loving cousin?

J'LIET
What is this GoGurt that thou keepst
bringing up? What’s going on here?

YABOR
I have no idea
what you are talking about.

J'LIET
You keep mentioning GoGurt!

YABOR
I do not.

J’LIET
Yes, you most certainly do.
Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt, Gogurt!

YABOR
You are Vulcan; you cannot understand these things;
It’s a cultural thing. Don’t worry about it.

J’LIET
I want to meditate now.

Exit

YABOR
She said GoGurt!

Exit

SCENE II. The Vulcan embassy

Enter Embassador Jon Ive and Thaleo

THALEO
Banished!
Heaven is here in Cupertino,
Where J'Liet lives; and every chimp and cat
And mighty mouse, every unworthy thing,
Live here in heaven and may look on her;
But Thaleo may not.

JON IVE
I'll give thee armour to keep off woe:
Adversity's sweet milk: Logic,
To comfort thee, though thou art banished.

THALEO
Hang up logic!
Unless logic can make a J'Liet,
Displant a town, reverse a prince's doom,
It helps not, it prevails not: talk no more;
Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not feel.

Knocking

JON IVE
Come in.

Enter Mithradites

MITHRADITES
Where is J’Liet's husband, where's Thaleo?

JON IVE
There on the ground, with his own tears made drunk.

THALEO
Egghead!

MITHRADITES
Bonehead!

THALEO
Spakest thou of J'Liet? how is it with her?
Where is she? and how doth she? and what says
My conceal'd lady to our cancell'd love?

MITHRADITES
O, she says nothing, brother, but weeps and weeps;
And now falls on her bed; and then starts up,
And then down falls again.

THALEO
I want to die.

Draws his Kahr handgun

MITHRADITES
Well, we were born to die.

JON IVE
Hold thy desperate hand:
Art thou a man? thy form cries out thou art:
Thy tears are womanish; wilt thou slay thyself?
And stay thy lady too that lives in thee?
What, rouse thee, man! thy J'Liet is alive!
Go, get thee to thy love
Whilst it is still dark outside.

MITHRADITES
O Jon Ive, I could have stay'd here all the night
To hear good counsel: O, what logic is!

THALEO
I concur; these Vulcans are something else.
I will go and see my lady.

MITHRADITES
I’ll be off now; hie you Thaleo, make haste,
for it grows very late.

THALEO
Give me thy hand; 'tis late: farewell; good night.

Exeunt


SCENE III. Lord Leopard’s banana plantation

Enter Thaleo and J'Liet above, at the window

J’LIET
How is't, my soul, my Thaleo? Let's talk; it is not day.

THALEO
Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

J'LIET
Yon light is not day-light, I know it, I:
Therefore stay yet; thou need'st not to be gone.
O, stay, sweet love, stay!

THALEO
Shall I compare thee to a Cinema Display?
Thou art hotter and more expansive
Rough TFTs do shake the darling pixels of May,
And summer's heat hath all too long a day;
Sometime too bright the eye of backlight shines,
And often is his whitepoint complexion dimm'd;
And every stare from stare sometime refines,
By chance or crap-settler's changing course denie'd;
May thy eternal Image not fade,
Nor lose color for professional or digikid low'st
Nor shall Death drag and drop thou in his shade,
When in thermal fautlines o'er time in thou growest;
So long as X-Men can bleat, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thirty.

J’LIET
O, now be gone; more light and light it grows.
Definitely day-light.

THALEO
Farewell, farewell! one kiss, and I'll descend.

He goeth down

J'LIET
O think'st thou we shall ever meet again?

THALEO
I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve
For sweet discourses in our time to come.
Adieu, adieu!

Exit

J'LIET
O fortune, fortune! all men call thee fickle:
Be fickle, fortune; for then, I hope,
Thou wilt not keep Thaleo long,
But send him back.

Exit


SCENE IV. A room in Lord Leopard’s house.

Enter Lord Leopard, Dame Leopard, and Rico X

LEOPARD
Jaguar died, and J’Liet is overcome with grief.
Wife, go you to her now;
Acquaint her here of good Rico X' love;
And bid her, mark you me, on Turdsday next
She shall be married to this noble crap-settler.

RICO X
My lord, I would that Turdsday were to-morrow.
licks lips

LEOPARD
Well, wife, hop hop, get you gone:
Go you to J'Liet now and prepare her, wife,
against this wedding-day.

Exeunt


SCENE IV. J’Liet’s chamber

Enter Dame Leopard

DAME LEOPARD
Ho, daughter! are you up?

Enter J’Liet

J'LIET
iMam, I am not well.

DAME LEOPARD
Evermore weeping for your cousin Jaguar’s death?
I have come to tell thee joyful tidings, girl.

J'LIET
And joy comes well in such a needy time:
What are they?

DAME LEOPARD
Well, well, thou hast a careful father, child;
One who, to put thee from thy heaviness,
Hath sorted out a sudden day of joy.

J'LIET
Madam, in happy time, what day is that?

DAME LEOPARD
My child, early next Turdsday morn,
The gallant, young and noble gentleman,
The crap-settler Rico X, at Saint Steven's Church,
Shall happily make thee there a joyful bride.

J'LIET
Now, by Saint Steven's Church and Steven too,
He shall not make me there a joyful bride.
The very idea! These are tidings indeed!

DAME LEOPARD
Here comes your father; tell him so yourself,
And see how he will take it at your hands.

Enter Lord Leopard

LEOPARD
How now! a conduit, girl? what, still in tears?
How now, wife!
Have you deliver'd to her our decree?

LADY LEOPARD
Ay, sir; but she will none, she gives you thanks.
I would the fool were married to her grave!

J'LIET
I will not marry a crap-settler. Not now, not ever.
It really is as simple as that. What
do you take me for?

LEOPARD
Hang thee, young baggage! disobedient wretch!
I tell thee what: get thee to church o' Turdsday,
Or never after look me in the face:
Speak not, reply not, do not answer me;
My fingers itch.

DAME LEOPARD
You are too hot.

LEOPARD
Silence!

DAME LEOPARD
May not one speak?

LEOPARD
Peace, you mumbling fool!
Utter your gravity o'er a gossip's bowl;
For here we need it not.
I am mad.
Having provided a crap-settler of noble parentage,
Of fair demesnes, youthful, and nobly train'd,
Stuff'd, as they say, with honourable parts,
Proportion'd as one's thought would wish a man--
O, he's a lovely gentleman!--
And then to have a wretched puling fool,
A whining mammet, to answer “I'll not wed!”
You WILL marry him, girl. You will.

Exit

J'LIET
Is there no pity sitting in the clouds,
That sees into the bottom of my grief?
O, sweet my iMam, ...

DAME LEOPARD
Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word:
Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee.

Exit

J'LIET
O Thaleo, Thaleo! what will become of us?

Exit

END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

SCENE I. Shalomplace. Friar Lapdance's cell.

Enter Friar Lapdance and Rico X

FRIAR LAPDANCE
On Turdsday, sir? The time is very short.

RICO X
Lord Leopard will have it so.

FRIAR LAPDANCE
The lady, as you put it, is "a bit nervous";
Uneven is the course, I like it not.

RICO X
Thank you for your opinion, your
quite irrelevant opinion, that no-one
here asked you for.
farts

Enter J'Liet

RICO X
Happily met, my lady and my wife!
rubs crotch

J'LIET
Good morrow, Friar Lapdance.

FRIAR LAPDANCE
Good morrow, my chi...

RICO X
Come you to make confession to this father?
Do not deny to him that you love me.
belches

FRIAR LAPDANCE
J’Liet, poor soul, thy face is much abused with tears.

RICO X
That face, friar, is mine; shut thy holy trap.

spits on Friar Lapdance’s bare feet

Oops!

J'LIET
Are you at leisure, holy father, now;
Or shall I come to you at evening mass?

FRIAR LAPDANCE
My leisure serves me, pensive daughter, now.
My sweet lord, we must entreat the time alone.

RICO X
God shield I should disturb devotion!
J'Liet, on Turdsday early will I rouse ye:
Till then, adieu; oh, and keep the faith.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
(laughs like hyena)

Exit

J'LIET
My God!

FRIAR LAPDANCE
Ah, J'Liet, I already know thy grief;
I hear thou must, and nothing may prorogue it,
On Turdsday next be married to this X-Man.

J'LIET
Friar Lapdance, I long to die.

brandishes razor-sharp platinum knife

O, bid me leap, rather than marry an X-man,
From off the battlements of yonder tower;
Or crawl through sewers; or bid me swim
Where sharks are; chain me to Klingon sphexes;
Or shut me nightly in a charnel-house,
O'er-cover'd quite with dead men's rattling bones,
With reeky shanks and yellow chapless skulls.

FRIAR LAPDANCE
I hear this kind of talk daily in confession;
Hold, daughter: I do spy a high hope;
And, if thou darest, I'll give thee remedy.

J'LIET
Give me, give me! O, tell not me of fear!

FRIAR LAPDANCE
Walk with me.
Now, then; go home, be merry, give consent
To marry this Rico X: and then thou shalt act
as follows...

Exeunt

SCENE II. Hall in Lord Leopard's house.

Enter Lord Leopard and aunt Crapqua

LEOPARD
What, is my daughter gone to Friar Lapdance?

AUNT CRAPQUA
Ay, forsooth.

LEOPARD
Well, that holy man may chance to do some good on her.

AUNT CRAPQUA
Here she comes now with merry look.

Enter J'Liet

LEOPARD
How now, my belle! where have you been gadding?

J'LIET
Where I have learn'd me to repent the sin
Of disobedient opposition
To you and your behests, and am enjoin'd
By holy Lapdance to beg your pardon;
I will marry Rico X.

LEOPARD
Why, I am glad on't; this is well:
This is as't should be.
Now, afore Saint Steven! this reverend holy friar,
Cupertino is much bound to him.

AUNT CRAPQUA
My heart is wondrous light,
Since this same wayward girl is so reclaim'd.

LEOPARD
Send for Rico X; go tell him of this:
I'll have this knot knit up to-morrow morning.

Exeunt


SCENE III. J'Liet's chamber.

Enter J'Liet and Dame Leopard

DAME LEOPARD
Need you my help? Any, um, advice perhaps on,
you know, sex with an X-man? There is
a lot of licking involved, let me tell you right now.

J'LIET
Spare me the details. Please you, let me be left alone.

LADY LEOPARD
Good night then: get thee to bed,
and rest; for thou hast need.

Exit

J'LIET
Farewell iMam! God knows when we shall meet again.

brings forth communicator

J’Liet to Enterprise. I am ready.

Beam down Mister Spock

Mr Spock, I presume.

SPOCK
Yes. Greetings, J’liet. Friar Lapdance
sends you his best wishes. Now,
Let me explain what I propose to do.
You are familiar, are you not, with the
Vulcan Mind Meld?

J’LIET
I have heard of it.

SPOCK
Good. This is the plan:
I will meld with you and then tinker
with certain specific neurological pathways of yours,
thereby essentially freezing your katra, i.e.
your spirit.
No pulse shall
keep his native progress, but surcease:
No warmth, no breath, shall testify you live;
The roses in your lips and cheeks shall fade
To paly ashes, your eyes' windows fall,
Like death, when he shuts up the day of life;
Each part, deprived of supple government,
Shall, stiff and stark and cold, appear like death;
Are you with me?

J’LIET
Yes. Fascinating, methinks.
Pray continue.

SPOCK
This whole procedure is not without risk; I
have never attempted this before.
Do you understand?

J’LIET
I will take my chances; at this point,
I am up for anything.

SPOCK
Fascinating.
Now, when the bridegroom in the morning comes
To rouse you from your bed, there are you dead:
Then, as the manner of your family is,
In transparent robes on a candy-coated dashboard
You shall be borne to that same blue-striped vault
Where all the kindred of the house of X lie festering.

J’LIET
The plot thickens.

SPOCK
Once the vault is closed and the mourners have gone,
You shall be beamed up to the starship Enterprise,
Where I shall restore you to life, with no X-Man
in Cupertino being any the wiser.
You will be free.

J’LIET
And Thaleo?

SPOCK
Thaleo is on Vulcan and awaits you eagerly.

J’LIET
Let’s do it! I am ready if you are.

SPOCK (places fingers on J’Liet’s brow)
My mind to your mind...my thoughts
to your thoughts...

8.6 minutes pass in silence; no movement

Spock to Enterprise. The procedure
has been succesful. One to beam up.

Beam up

SCENE IV. Bridge of starship U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701

Enter Captain Kirk and crew

KIRK seats himself in captain’s chair
Lieutenant Uhura, have you established that secure
com-link to Vulcan yet?

UHURA
There is still too much interference
from the ion storm.
Communications remain down.

KIRK
Dammit, how long has
this ion storm been going on? Ten hours?
Keep trying.

UHURA
I have established contact now, captain.

KIRK
On screen.

viewscreen shows Thaleo, his lily-white skin heavily sunburnt

THALEO
Woo Hoo!

KIRK
Brother Thaleo, I just wanted to tell you, the plan
is going as planned; J’Liet is in stasis now; Spock
reports no problems: J’Liet is a strong girl.

THALEO
That is wonderful news.
These Vulcans, with their platinum-based
blood, are tough as nails.

KIRK
Indeed they are.
Thaleo, before I go, I have a belated
wedding gift for you.

Enter Beatles

Take it away, Liverpudlians!

BEATLES
When I find myself in times of trouble
Father MacLash knows the score,
Speaking words of wisdom, less is more.
And in my hour of darkness
He doth Aqua through the crapper pour,
Speaking words of wisdom, less is more.
Less is more, less is more;
Whisper words of wisdom, less is more.

THALEO
Very nice! Words of wisdom indeed!
Thank you Beatles, thank you captain.

BEATLES
A pleasure.

Exeunt

KIRK
Don’t mention it.
Thaleo, we’ll speak again tomorrow.
Kirk out.

stands up
--I’ll be in Engineering. Mr Spock,
You have the bridge.

Exit

This message has been edited. Last edited by: yabor,

SCENE V. Starship Enterprise. Captain’s quarters

Enter Kirk and McCoy

McCOY
Jim, I don’t like this one bit.
Tricking J’Liet’s family into believing
she is dead--that is a callous and
rotten thing to do, is it not?

KIRK
I know Bones, I know. You are right. I was
having doubts myself.
I won’t go through with this. We shall beam
J’Liet up right now; and, in the morning,
her family will simply find her gone.
They will figure out what happenend.
And still we will have helped J’Liet escape
a fate worse than death.
What say you?

McCOY
Go for it, Jim.

Exeunt


SCENE VI . The same. Transporter room.

Enter Kirk, McCoy, Spock and Scotty

Mr Scot, energize.

Beam up J’Liet

Spock, Bones, take her to Sickbay, and
do your things.
--Kirk to bridge, Mr Sulu, lay in a
course to Vulcan and engage
at maximum warp.


SCENE VII. Mount Seleya on Vulcan

Enter Thaleo

THALEO
I'm melting... melllltinnnnngggg.... what a world, what a world...

Beam down J’Liet

J’LIET
Thaleo!

THALEO
J’Liet!

they embrace

Well, honey, now begins a whole new life for us. Kinda
scary.

J’LIET
Well, yes. But we have each other.
Let us eat now, go to bed, and
Take it from there.

THE END

FINALLY. Finally I get the girl! Woo Hoo!

"TREKKIES" Trivia

Nice link, brother thalo. I’m tempted to buy those Trekkie documentaries. I’ve read your warm recommendation.

In real life, I have recently become engaged to be married. The girl’s name is Petra. When I talk to her about my worry that I’ll die without having seen men on Mars, she smiles like an indulgent mother to her child.

CONGRATULATIONS BROTHER YABOR AND SISTER PETRA!!!

We have to have some kind of online bachelor party for you. I have this idea for a new kind of stripper-gram for the Netherlands: it's a "Quark-Gram"... where the stripper shows up to your residence having been immersed in Quark (the pudding/gogurt-like dutch dairy product, not the layout software), and then the receipient has to lick it off.

By the way, did you hear that GoGurt now comes in friggin BOTTLES?? Yeah, I kid you not. That's in addition to being offered in the the sucking-tubes that made it famous. Talk about defeating the purpose. They call it "GoGurt Smoothies" or somesuch. I say what good is it without the suck tubes? Please.

I've always thought Quark would take off in this country. Right now you can only get it at really gourmet specialty stores. The first person to mass market it here in the states, or make Go-Quark or whatever, will be rich. It's tasty stuff. If cheesecake were smooth pudding, that's kinda the best way to describe it for people who've never tasted it. You can get it in all kinds of flavors, like yogurt, but it's not health food... more a decadent indulgence, higher fat content.

I'm with you on the Mars thing. We need to go. As a species we need to throw behind that kind of endeavor. That's when we make quantum leaps of civilization. I think a Mars colony will happen the second there is some unique commercially valuable raw material they discover on that planet. A new energy source, or gemstone, or some other flavor of mineral wealth that will appeal to greed. In order for it to be the next "new world" there has to be some kind of economic reason to go, where people think they'll get rich if they do. The solar system's equivalent of spice, gold, sugar, slaves, or rum. That's when the exploration will get kicked into high gear.

quote:

By the way, did you hear that GoGurt now comes in friggin BOTTLES?? Yeah, I kid you not.

You must have fast forwarded through the commercial breaks in "Thaleo and J'Liet" where the Bard of the Netherlands wrote:

COMMERCIAL BREAK
New! GoGurt Smoothie--the yogurt X-Men love,
Now in a bottle. GoGurt Smoothie is perfect for X-Men
Who don't want to stop crap-settling when
It's time for a well-deserved snack.
GoGurt Smoothie is an excellent source of crapcium
And comes in ten great flavors.
GoGurt Smoothie - it goes where X-Men go.


Does the Dutch Bard know about GoGurt in bottles? Please! The Bard knows all. GoGurt in bottles will be the only dish served at the wedding celebration.

Congratulations to you Yabor, and my compliments to Petra -- the poor child. It's good that you are honest and open with her about your concerns about dying without seeing men on Mars. That way she knows in advance that she is marrying an actual crazy person and there can be no complaint about it later on.

My best wishes to you both.